Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I love twitter
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*