Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

Mad Max: Furry Road

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE