Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done