Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.