Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

thank god

I cannot stop laughing at this

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

We’ve all been there

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

He’s dead

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”