Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

This one never gets the credit it deserves

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.