Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”