Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

I’ll be mad as hell!

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.