Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell