DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
