DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
sigh
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
