DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
lmfao come on
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
same vibe as tangled headphones
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
