Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Imagine having a party on purpose.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

If you had more money you’d be happier.

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.