Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Old old old old old west
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
time machine? you mean a clock?
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*