Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
No thanks, people who hum to themselves.
I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”