Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

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Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.


You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.


LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.


No thanks, people who hum to themselves.

I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.


Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes


It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.


🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine


A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”