@theshamingofjay
Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.
@thetigersez
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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@theshamingofjay
@jazmasta
You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.
@CodyJP9412
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
@LeagueofNope
No thanks, people who hum to themselves.
I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that you probably just killed someone or you’re possessed.
@omgthatspunny
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
@dragonsorbet
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
@envydatropic
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
@mommajessiec
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
@EllaZee5
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
@didgeridougrou
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”