Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!