Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…