Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Oops

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?