Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Awwwww shit.

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

ㅤ

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.