Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.![]()
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
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Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!