Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Thank heavens for community notes
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
And now we wait
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?