Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”