Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
😂😂
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
