Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

i think both sides are to blame here

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years