Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks