Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.