Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
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bags with threatening auras
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
the last thing a carrot sees
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye