Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
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Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.