Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.