Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally