Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…