Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
oh u like geography? name every lake
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru