*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.
Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I get 9″ in bed every night. That’s how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable.