@AmberTozer

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

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@Death_Buddy

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

@daemonic3

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

@divyne_mess

Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.

@OarackBobamaa

Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !

@mikescollins

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

@flashember

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

@CrockettForReal

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

@k8ieokay

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

@parkersJoking

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

@TwistedEmbrace

I get 9″ in bed every night. That’s how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable.