Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
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cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Monday
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
#Caturday
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.