Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
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My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”