Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

My love language is hissing.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”