Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
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[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.