Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.