Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me