Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Posting this on behalf of a friend

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Happy weekend !

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.