The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
You Might Also Like
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.