Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma.
She: But you don’t have glaucoma.
Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”
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the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
If there’s a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I’ve not heard of it.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*