Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change