Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.