Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
You Might Also Like
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
me after i passed that state trooper
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*