@primawesome

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

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@TheIronSherk

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

@machiavellino

(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you

@kibblesmith

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

@KalvinMacleod

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

@TweetPotato314

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no