If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
(i go up to lady pushing baby in stroller and put my foot up on the stroller to address the baby) hey baby… is this woman bothering you
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Him: Send me a shower pic
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no