Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good