Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
You Might Also Like
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down