Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

taking June’s advice to heart

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

I don’t make the rules sorry

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.