Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

This is enough internet for the day.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Monday Lisa

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff