Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
📽️movie date🎞️
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.