Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME