Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?