Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”