Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
You Might Also Like
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
