Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!