Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?