Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Netflix and awkward silence?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.