Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
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Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me if I was a dog
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?