Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

I fixed it. For me

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.