Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

🤫

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Spa day..😅

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”