Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

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The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.


COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think


So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.


Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?


Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!


If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them


Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.


[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”


HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?