@aimlessamers

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

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@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@ArfMeasures

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

@Sarcasticsapien

So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.

@TheSharona06

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

@sixfootcandy

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

@ilovepie84

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

@Maxine12339

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

@stephenjmolloy

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

@juliecursively

HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?