Hilarious if literal: arms race
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[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff