Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

😂😂

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.