Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

🤣🤣🤣

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out