Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Meow
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If you know, you know
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*