dating is so overrated. let’s just get married
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We need it on priority
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”