Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
You Might Also Like
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Saw online –
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.