Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
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Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
mentally somewhere in italy
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family