Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
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new shirt idea
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”