Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again