Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
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I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me driving through Toronto
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Just why bro?!
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
*jingles half the way*
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.