Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Children of the Corn Man
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
How times have changed.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.