Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.