Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
this was very charming
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My whole life was a lie.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out