Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.