Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

Lmbo

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.