Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
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My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
never ask a starfish for directions
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.