Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
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11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour