Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

Is this you?

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.