Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
apparently this year was written by stephen king
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“Why you watching this shit?”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*