Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

He’s cranky this morning

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.